Talk Show


Talk Show Host: Welcome to our late night show! As you know, we invite each of the American Idol contestants who are cut to appear on our show. Since you got cut last night, we are glad you accepted our invitation.

Guest on Show: Well, thank you for having me. I’m a big fan of your show.

Host: Oh, so you’ve heard of our show before coming here? [audience laughs]

Guest: I watch it when my parents let me. It is on so late, and I’m only sixteen. I have to have all my homework done. My parents call your show low brow humor, but I still like it. [audience laughs]

Host: Hey, I’m supposed to be the one doing the comedy here! So what is like to be only sixteen and make it to the final six contestants on American Idol?

Guest: If you make the final three contestants you are guaranteed a really sweet recording deal. I’m going to have to wait and see what I’m offered. I’m thinking about doing a nude spread for Playboy to increase my exposure and probably get a better deal.

Host: Unless Hef is getting into the child porn business, you are going to have to wait a couple of years before that publicity stunt. Aren’t you worried about what your parents will think? Or your high school classmates that are watching the show?

Guest: What they think doesn’t matter. It is like that movie that came out a while back with Hugh Grant called American Dreamz. More people watch American Idol than the number of people who vote for the president. I got near the top of that popularity machine. Heck, with averages of 33 million viewers, I was in front of more people than all the Baptists in the United States, which is the second largest religious group. The Catholics are the largest.

Host: Don’t you think it is more the music talent that is being judged, not just the popularity?

Guest: You have to have some talent, but you can tell by the people they cut that it is more on looks, personality, and who Paula, Randy and Simon think will make for good television. They put some ugly people in the final twelve just to give nerds hope, but the finalist will always be pretty like me. Hell, some of the best singers technically didn’t even make the top twenty-four to be on the show, and what about that girl who got so mad at the Memphis auditions? She sang in front of some producers, but they pieced together the film to make it look like she was auditioning for Simon, Paula and Randy. It is all about television, not talent.

Host: Wow! Is this just a cynical attitude or is it the inside scoop on the biggest television phenomenom of the decade?

Guest: What’s cynical?

Host: There you have it folks. The next president of the United States. A Playboy bunny who is more popular than Jesus, and doesn’t know what cynical is. [ audience laughs]